So what do I believe?

When I was 14 I told my friends that Man created God and not the other way around.

I've been an atheist for as long as I can remember. A committed atheist. My personal theology has developed more or less like this: Religion is a tool for organizing, stabilizing, and yes, numbing society (with or without opiates). God is a story humanity tells itself. We live in a universe built on randomness. There is no universal truth and no meaning to our lives outside of our own constructs. Human life is validated by the existential choice to say "yes" and imbue life with meaning. And I still believe all of that.

Nevertheless, a couple years ago, as I was just reaching a stage of establishing that "yes," reaffirming that I could seek meaning and have faith in humanity, I had a discussion with a Rabbi. I wanted to talk to him about prayer and how I liked the singing and community feeling but had a tough time with the words I simply didn't believe. I disclaimered the conversation by saying, "To begin with, you should know that I'm an atheist." But the Rabbi turned that around on me and said, "What do you believe in?" And after I told him some short but spirited slice of my view of the universe he said something as silly as could be, yet something that has stuck with me. He said, "I think you and I believe in the same thing."

What?! And then he didn't even explain himself. It was hard to take seriously. He challenged my atheism without even challenging any of my beliefs. Just suggested I wasn't actually an atheist. And the strange thing is that two years later, though I still don't believe in a personal God or in any power that transcends the physical universe, I think he might be right. So what do I bellieve in?

I believe that all the mass and energy of the universe originates from one infinitesimal point in space an time. I believe the fabric of things is deeply random both in the most micro of micro-est interactions of quantum particles and in the macro of macro-est tendency of the universe toward chaos. But I also believe that out of that chaos and randomness has evolved ever more complex order and structure. From simple molecules to stars and galaxies to solar systems to single-celled organisms to ecosystems to the human brain and human society. Islands of complexity evolving from self-sustaining to self-aware. And each moment of the past is present now; nothing new has been created only shaped from the transformations that came before.

And I find all of that pretty divine. Not least of all the fact that I'm capable of contemplating the whole thing in the first place. So that's it. After some 12 years of fierce atheism, I don't think I'm an atheist anymore.